March 13, 2014

bad habits


I can very clearly remember a period not so long ago when I was going through some deep internal struggles. It wasn't the first time and most likely won't be the last. My life had just been turned upside down and it all was my doing. I was in a happy relationship, but the rest of my life seemed to be taking a nosedive. 

I recently chose to pass up an amazing career opportunity for the chance to love someone. I found myself in those tricky beginning stages of a relationship after knowing the comforts of a very serious long term one. This struggle was during a time when I was working a horribly unfulfilling and physically demanding job for a woman who had no problem making it clear she didn't like me. I was broke, insanely busy, back in school but not sure exactly why. My life was not where I thought it should be and my mental state was suffering for it. I felt like I was stuck and forever moving in circles instead of moving forward.

This period came directly after a wonderful time when I was incredibly happy and independent. I worked multiple jobs that I loved and made enough money to live on my own in a beautiful apartment in a great neighborhood. I ate well, could afford to go shopping and travel all while creating a comfy savings account for my future. 

I have never been one to blame my problems on other people or things. I choose to look inward and examine myself when I notice that something is seriously wrong or needs to change. It's the only way. In times like these people often look for a sign. Not me. 

Then one day I received what was to me a very clear sign. I stepped out of the shower, walked through my dressing room (yes I had a dressing room) and noticed on the tops of my two stacks of magazines were the magazines bitch and dwell. I stared at those two words laying side by side for a while. At first I thought it was just a really funny coincidence, but then I began thinking about the alternate meanings of those two magazine titles. It was right then that I became conscious of my bad habits of complaining and fixating (bitching and dwelling) on the things in my life that made me unhappy. I started to realize that in doing this I was actually wasting the moments when I could be happy. I would still have to go to my crumby job and figure out what I was doing with my life, but the bitching and dwelling were something I could now control. I had an awareness of my own negative behavior and thought patterns.

I still catch myself falling into these bad habits from time to time. But now I am better able to realize when that starts to happen. It is because of this awareness that I have a much easier time moving past difficult situations. I now know I can either just let it go or directly confront and change the situation. These are not always easy things to do. But by letting go of and/or confronting negativity I have found I have been able to live a much more honest, happy and healthy life. 

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