October 8, 2014

fear of missing out syndrome

I'm not really suffering from FOMO, I just truly am missing out on something special and need to work through it in my head/on my blog. My husband and I were planning to fly to NYC early tomorrow morning. We were going to help celebrate a very special wedding, two of my friends are finally getting married after eleven years of being together. A lot of close friends, old friends, people who I love and don't get to see enough are traveling to NYC for the weekend to celebrate and spend time together. My husband and I are no longer going, and I basically have only come to fully realize this within the last day and a half. 

All day today I kept feeling like I could just repack my bag and go, but then I think that would be something only a selfish person would do. Yes I was already packed and ready to go, ugh. I unpacked yesterday evening while texting with one of my best friends for emotional support. He's always been great for that. We were planning to meet up in Union Square tomorrow afternoon and then just wander around aimlessly, which is one of the best things ever to do with a dear old friend.

I feel the need to try to describe the circumstances that are keeping us here in Chicago. I'm afraid this situation is about as convoluted as can be, which is why I've been avoiding even attempting to write about it so far. Here goes... 

Our plan was to bring Ruby to Indiana a few days before we left for New York. This way we could spend some time with Ryan's folks, get her settled in and then leave her in their care while we went away for the weekend. This was the plan up until about a week and a half a go. For the last month or so Ryan's dad has spent some time in the hospital due to heart issues. No one knows exactly what's going on. We decided last week that we didn't feel comfortable having them take care of Ruby during this time. We also knew they were looking forward to spending time with their granddaughter, so we decided I would go to New York on my own and Ryan would take Ruby to Indy on his own to spend time with his folks and help out if they needed it. At first I wasn't sure about this plan for various reasons, but once it sunk in I started looking forward to having a little time on my own. This would have been my first solo trip in 6 years, which seems crazy to me considering I used to travel alone all the time. 

Yesterday morning we got a text from Ryan's mom informing us that Ryan's dad now has pneumonia. We knew that we could no longer bring Ruby to Indy under the circumstances. Her immune system isn't fully developed yet. My husband still wanted me to go to NYC and be with my friends while he stayed back with Ruby. Here's where it gets tricky. My husband has a tendency to try to make things that are a big deal seem like they're not a big deal. He is telling me to leave him on his own to take care of our daughter when he was just diagnosed with tendinitis, is wearing a brace on his wrist and is taking prescription drugs that "make him feel spaced out." I'm not even sure how much pain he is in just trying to pick her up these days. 

A part of me obviously wants to go celebrate my friends getting married and spend time with my close friends. The part of me that I listen to is the one who would feel like the biggest most irresponsible jerk/loser on the planet leaving my husband while he is worried about the health of his father and physically compromised. I've been going back and forth in my head trying to figure out the best thing to do and driving myself nuts. Should I stay or should I go? Either way doesn't feel good, but at least I know staying back with my family who needs help right now is the right thing to do. So that's what I'm doing. 

All I know for sure is that I'm so thankful and so fortunate to have my husband, our baby, my father-in-law, that whole side of the family and each one of my friends that I was looking forward to seeing over the weekend. This has actually helped me to think about and understand how lucky I am to have so many wonderful people in my life.  Most important of all, My father-in-law needs to get better soon and start feeling amazing. Also I wish for Josh and Susan to have the best wedding day ever, and for them to feel happiness and love radiating from their loved ones all around them all day long. They truly deserve it.

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